Autumn 1999

Jemimas feet got progressively worse during 1999. I had been through the various veterinary diagnosis procedures to try and establish the root cause of the recurring spots and sores in her feet and had come to a probable answer that she was allergic to something that her feet were coming into contact with on a regular basis. She was Atopic. I learnt that one in ten dogs are Atopic so apparently it was not out of the ordinary. I set about managing the situation by structuring walks so that she would either get to go out on soft ground, or have short walks, or if long walks were needed to burn off her energy she would be rested for a couple of days after. Any walks on hard ground or for longer than half an hour resulted in sore feet and being lame. She never complained though and seemed impervious to pain although you could tell by the attention she gave her feet that she was uncomfortable. After a while she took to licking and chewing her feet and toes from various angles and would have to be physically restrained after chewing for too long.

After we got back from honeymoon Christine set about repeating the whole veterinary process with the new vet that we had chosen after the move to Jam Pot Cottage. I was a little confused at first because it seemed to me that she was ignoring what I had told her and everything I had said about Jemimas diagnosis. It seemed as if she didn’t believe what I had told her. So Jemima was subject to another round of guess the solution most of which I had already tried and had discovered did not work. I reasoned that Christine was the type of girl that needed to learn things from her own experience at this stage of her life although, as I learned later, it was just that she could or would not take my word for it.

So Jemimas feet were bathed every day for 2 weeks. No improvement. Courses of various types of medication were taken. No improvement. Different food. No improvement. Supplements and all kinds of oils and old wives tales. No improvement. After months of trying Christine conceded. She was probably atopic and we needed to manage her walks to best effect for her. Oh the joy of pointing out to someone the plain fact of having told them so. It did not go down well and set the scene for any future discussions around disagreements. I did not understand why she did not trust something I said. After all wasn’t I the one she should trust the most? Or was it something about the way I was that made her act that way toward me? Even after she conceded what I had said all along she kept at it. I think she wanted to be able to tell me she had found the answer to Jemimas problem although for what motivation I could not fathom. This rang alarm bells for me in that I was surprised that I could be so disconnected from the one whom I was supposed to know best. How could I question her motivation for what was essentially the right thing to do – to find the root cause of the problem? I blamed myself. I was not open enough. I was not patient enough. It was me and my longstanding ‘issues’. I was quite plainly an idiot. Any reason that could be found to blame myself was identified and pinned to my conscience. I guess that’s what love does – it blinds you to reality. You feel something isn’t quite right but you don’t believe it. 

It was around this time that the beginnings of my formula theory for relationships began to surface in my mind. You take girl A with all the personality traits, life experiences and upbringing that she has and add it to boy B and you get a result – a result that always seems to be the same regardless of time and change. It seems an overly logical and mechanical theory to explain in such simple terms the complexities in relationships but in reality I’m talking about ‘tendencies’ as well as simple facts. Christine had a tendency to be frugal about everyday things. She would eat scraps and thrown together food from empty cupboards where my tendency was to go buy a few extras to make a ‘sensible’ and recognisable meal. Christine would use a butter knife for plastering small holes in a wall whereas I would use the proper tool for the job. Christine would religiously get up at 9am or earlier on a Sunday whereas I would lie in till 10.30.  My theory starts to become clearer. You put two people together with specific tendencies, add in the personal triggers of frustration and the way you discuss and resolve your differences and you start to see a formula and the associated script even more clearly. Christine and I had our tendencies and they added up to trouble. She had a very condescending way of telling me I was doing something she didn’t like whereas I always made a point of opposing people who spoke down their nose to others. It was a case of me being relaxed about most things she wanted until there came a private recognition that she had gone too far. In time she started to loathe my more relaxed attitude and my spontaneity and as a result I started trying to change myself until I felt my easy going nature was being taken advantage of. At this point I would rebel. My biggest bugbear were the ‘compromises’. Christine seemed to think that once we had reached a compromise for a particular disagreement she could then renegotiate the solution a few weeks later and again and again until she had moved me completely to her way of doing something. I would always pass over any frustration by taking the attitude that it really didn’t matter – I loved her and nothing could break that.          

Back in Jemimas world – I had known what the next step in veterinary proceedings would need to be for a long time, and had spoken about it to Christine, but never pursued it. Jemima would need specialist testing for allergies but that would cost money that we didn’t have. Christine at least recognised the problem but rather than accept the position she bought Starflower oil. “Yes Christine one teaspoon a day will clear up Jemimas feet in no time” I would think sarcastically to myself.