October 16th 1999

It becomes more difficult over time to remember positives about a day that was firstly and ultimately the start of something that did not stand the test of time but secondly was a huge let down. Looking back it is easier to recognise the doubts that I had going into it as I can now put a precise finger on what my nagging conscience could not, at the time, pinpoint. My attitude at the time was a mix of hopefulness that it was the right thing mixed with the inclination to do it but with undercurrents of “is she the right one?” I put the latter down to nerves and a to be expected healthy testing of my sanity. The doubts remained however.

The first and biggest clue as to what would happen over the coming years started almost imperceptibly. I noticed but I paid no attention at the way Christine sometimes ignored me after the ceremony and spoke as if I was not even present. I was of course paranoid but I was and still am an observer of behaviour and I noticed little things about the way she was. I don’t expect everyone to act in the same way as each other of course but because I expect an individuals version of an expected behaviour, tempered by the kind of person they are and how they view the world, and she was being a little odd. Let me explain. I have been to weddings on many occasions and fortunately enough to some where I knew the Bride and Groom well as well as some where I hardly knew either of them and I was there as a ‘plus one’. I can categorically say that beyond a certain point the only people that a Bride and Groom are interested in are each other. They smile at each other. They lean on each other. They look at each with affection as they realise how much the day means to them. Some couples may do all or some or their own version of what I describe in their own peculiar way but Christine was avoiding me. Avoiding eye contact. Avoiding talking to me. Avoiding holding my hand and eventually even avoiding sitting next to me while I dined on the main course. I was sitting alone, amongst eighty or so people, in the spotlight by myself. I finished my main course and waited. Eventually she came back from speaking to her friend and the conversation that she absolutely had to have right there and then about a subject now completely forgotten. Did she apologise in a sweet way? Did she say anything? No! She started talking to her Father. How could I be upset? How could I admonish her in front of the adoring horde? The short answer was I couldn’t do anything. It’s a terrible social pressure to have to say nothing in that situation. Who argues on their wedding day? Least of all before dessert.

My happiest memory of the day was seeing Jemima. She arrived by special arrangement with my dog walker who drove forty five minutes there, stood around while Jemima had photos taken, did a few happy wagging rounds with the guests, and then took her away again. I wanted to go with her and wish now that I had. The party was going to be rubbish.